Odd Confessions

So, I realize that I haven't finished my blog about getting out of the pit. If you can recall, I gave a brief summary of the information in Beth Moore's book Get Out of that Pit, but I didn't finish explaining the entire process. I left you hanging when I described the types of pits and the ways you can get into a pit but didn't explain how to get out of the pit. Well, here's my first odd confession. I couldn't explain how to get out of the pit because I hadn't finished the book yet, and I hadn't finished the book yet because I was scared! Now, you may be wondering why I was scared, and here's the explanation for that. It had been a big step for me to admit that I was in a pit and suddenly I found myself afraid of being held responsible for knowing how to get out of the pit. You see, I knew that once I had read through how to partner with God on climbing out of the pit I had no excuses for starting that process. And my friends, I knew that it was going to be a difficult, dirty, commitment. I just wasn't sure that I was ready to step forward and do the thing. Of course the book sat and stared at me reminding me each day that God had provided the way out and I was forgoing it. So, of course I put the book away feeling that if it was at least out of sight, it would be a little more out of mind. A month passed and with a few more counseling sessions behind me, and the CA trip finally over with, I was ready to embrace the process. It still wasn't something I could rush into, so I simply got the book out and set it on the coffee table. There was no avoiding it there. And finally, after a few days, I picked it up and started on the last five chapters. At this point I only have two chapters left and I anticipate that I will finish them today or tomorrow. So, check back soon and I will summarize what I now know about getting out of the pit.

I have one more odd confession. At some point during my medical leave when I was at home, feeling pretty awful, and needing a distraction, I got hooked on Amish books. I know...odd! It wasn't something that I had planned or ever pegged myself for, but I found that a trip to the Amish country via a book was a brief escape from my seemingly complicated life situation. The only Amish books that I've ever read have been by Beverly Lewis, so I can only speak for those. I became completely engrossed with the characters and their complicated, simple life. Lewis has written a couple of really great Amish series, so if you ever find yourself longing for a really good Amish book I would recommend checking her out. I still think about some of the characters from her Abram's Daughters series. Fair warning, if you read a lot of Amish books right in a row you will suddenly find yourself saying "for sure and for certain", "jah", and "wonderful-gut"and feeling the urge to learn how to quilt! So, now, whenever I want to escape, I start reading an Amish book. I have to confess that although a year had passed since I felt the Amish calling, I picked up a new Amish book right before I went to CA. I haven't finished it yet, but as soon as I do, I plan to face life once more, figure out how to climb out of the pit and feed my intellectual side with Little Women.

Where has the time gone?

I can't believe that I have let this much time pass by since my last post. It's been a busy few weeks. Here's a list of events that have taken place since then:

1. I helped host a lingerie party for my friend Leticia on 6/26. I love a good Christ-centered lingerie party. I think it's a beautiful thing to celebrate when a man and woman wait for marriage. I also think it allows the ladies who are already married to minister to the soon-to-be bride. Today's Christian Woman had an article on this subject a few years ago, and I loved what they had to say http://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/2006/janfeb/12.34.html Although I haven't had the chance to throw the exact type of gathering that they outline in the article, it definitely inspired me to think about lingerie parties differently.

Our beautiful tablescape complete with chocolate fountain!

We played a really fun "guess who brought the panties" game.

Lissette (the bride's sister), me, Leticia (the bride), and Kelli

2. Leticia and Luca, a couple from our old bible study, were married on 6/28.

3. Neil and I traveled to California on 7/2 to attend my cousin's wedding. I was a bridesmaid. The wedding was on 7/5, but we stayed for a few days afterward to relax and visit San Diego. We returned home on 7/9.

The beautiful bride, Audra, and me before the wedding.

Neil surprised me and rented a red convertible for the week! I have never been in a convertible before (proof that not everyone who lives in CA drives a convertible!), so it was really fun. Here we are with my brothers, Ryan and David in the back.

On the last night in CA Neil and I snuck away to a wine bar at the Hotel Del on Coronado Island. We sat outside by a fire pit and enjoyed chocolate truffles and a flight of wine. It was a fabulous way to end the trip.

4. Neil and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary on 7/15. I don't have pictures for that yet. We are actually celebrating tonight. We're going to our favorite celebration spot, the Melting Pot! I'll post a picture of that later.

5. In addition to all of these exciting events, God has been doing some pretty amazing things in my life. I struggled with a great deal of anxiety about the trip to CA right before we left and He was faithful to meet me in the struggles in so many ways. I will make a point to post something about all of that later this week.

A Bassett and A Beaver

Well, it was an exciting week at the Moore house!

First our new Bassett couch was delivered! I was worried after we ordered it that it was going to be too big or the wrong color, but it's perfect! It's big, soft, cozy, red, and I love it....and that's good because we'll probably have it for the next 30 years!

Then, Neil and I had our second Date Night. This time it was my turn to plan. I had read a raving review about a Houston eatery called Beaver's in a food magazine. It's an old ice house that someone turned into a barbecue place. It's known for it's smoked meat and beer. I thought that it sounded fun, so we headed out Saturday night for our fun. There were over 75 beers to choose from! I didn't really like the beer that I ended up with so Neil graciously handed over his Shiner for me to enjoy. What can I say? I'm not much of a beer girl. We ordered a sampler platter so that we could try all of the meat. It was really good. I'm not sure that we'll ever go back, but it was fun to try out for the Date Night.

Then on Sunday the miraculous happened...the valences that I had purchased nearly 3 months ago got hung up! Poor Neil has struggled with this project on three separate occasions (there were issues with studs and window framing), but as always he persevered and I think that it looks great! Well done babe!

I really think that the family room is starting to look like home!

Get Out of That Pit

A week or so ago, as God began stirring my heart to push through this desert season, I really felt led to read the book Get Out of That Pit by Beth Moore. Now, I had the honor of sitting under Beth Moore for three years each Sunday in her Sunday school class, so when this book came out I honestly didn't give it much thought. I figured that it contained a message that I had probably heard in the course of my time in her class. Add to that the fact that at the time the book was released I had about zero motivation or energy to address my current state. As always, God's timing is perfect, and I have found that Beth's message in this book was (surely) written for me for this exact time. Beth begins the book with the following scripture:

"I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the Lord."
- Psalm 40:1-3

As I read the scripture my heart quickened. Oh....this was going to be good! "Pits" are not uncommon. In fact they are more common then we would care to say. Even if you don't feel like you are in a pit now, you may know someone who is or find yourself in one in the future. The following is a summary of what I've learned so far:

There are a couple of important things to know about a pit:

1. A "pit" is not a physical place, but a "shadowy home of the heart, mind, and soul so close and personal that, like mud on the set of tires, we drag it along wherever our physical circumstances move us".

2. Many Christians "mistakenly characterize pits only in terms of sin". A pit of sin is not the only type of pit that you can be in.

You know that you're in a pit when:

1. You feel stuck
- "Isaiah 42:22 says that a pit is a place where you feel trapped."
- " Psalm 40 adds to the characteristics of a pit words like "slimy", "muddy", "miry". Together these words tell us one critical thing about a pit: you can't get yourself out."

2. You can't stand up
- "One way you can know you're in a pit is that you feel ineffective and utterly powerless against attack."
- "...your enemy has a tremendous investment not only in digging and camouflaging a pit in your pathway but also, should you tumble down, in convincing you to stay there after you fall in."
- "To the ancient Hebrew, a pit was a literal or figurative reference to the grave-to its threat-or an abyss so deep the dweller within it felt like the living dead."

3. You've lost vision
- "A pit is so poorly lit we can no longer see things that may have once been obvious to us. That's another reason we often stay in a pit. Without windows we're convinced we have no where else to go."
- "We feel too buried in our present state to feel passionate about a promised future."

The three ways that you can end up in a pit:

1. You can be thrown in
- This is a pit of innocence, meaning that you didn't do anything to deserve it and you didn't wallow your way into it.
- Many believers don't know that this kind of pit exists
- For example: Tragedy, illness, abandonment, death of a loved one, cheating spouse...(the list is long) can throw you into a pit

2. You can slip in
- This is a pit you put yourself into, although you didn't mean to. It's not planned and it's not something that you wanted to do.
- For example: You needed relief from your back pain; you didn't mean to develop an addiction to pain killers. You wanted to lose a little weight; you didn't meant to end up with an eating disorder. You meant to pay back to borrowed money right away; you didn't mean to end up on a mountain of debt.

3. You can jump in
- This is the place where you know what you are about to do is wrong, but your desire to jump in outweighs your judgement not to.
- For example: You wanted to steal the money, wanted to have the affair, wanted to hurt that person...

So, this is what I've read so far. Personally, I've established that I am in a pit. I have been attempting to live in my pit for two years. I think at one point I even tried to hang curtains up in it! I live in pit number one; the pit you fall into. My battle with UC threw me into a pit that I never even knew existed. The great thing that I have recently discovered though is that God never intends us to live in the pit! Thank you Lord! We can get out....I'll let you know when I've read how!

"The Spoon Theory"

This article is a must-read for anyone that suffers from a chronic illness or knows someone who does. Written by Christine Miserandino, the article outlines how she used spoons at a diner to explain her chronic illness to a friend. I often struggle to explain to those around me what it means to live each day with a chronic illness because its difficult to put it into words. This article provides a tangible example for those that struggle to explain their intangible sufferings.

www.butyoudontlooksick.com/the_spoon_theory

Thanks Stephanie :-)

A Little Fun

A few weeks ago Neil and I went out for our first official "Date Night". You see, now that we've been married almost two years we have decided to add a little spontaneity to our marriage by scheduling an official Date Night. I realize that scheduling spontaneity is somewhat paradoxical but we have found that although we get to spend oodles of time together, we seem to have a set routine. In order to ensure that we break away from our usual Pei Wei, Starbucks, then a movie at home routine, we are trading off the responsibility of planning and executing one special date night per month. Neil volunteered (what a gentleman!) to take the first month, May. As you probably guessed, there is no Pei Wei, Starbucks or a movie at home allowed on these official Date Nights. The evening can be as simple or extravagant as the planner would like and our budget allows!

For our first Date Night, which took place on May 31 (we barely squeezed it into May), Neil planned for us to have dinner at Bucca di Beppo and then he took me to the Chocolate Bar for dessert. We began the evening at Bucca's where we were seated in room all to ourselves. There was a really entertaining fountain in the corner of the room. How I wish that I had thought to take a picture of it! It was a marble looking statue of a nude man with the water streaming out of his....ummm..."special bits"! He had a silk flower placed over his "special bits" which I figured was there for the purpose of modesty. It's a family restaurant people! Well, as we were enjoying the meal one of the managers came in and asked us if we would like some music turned on in the room. I commented that we were enjoying the quiet and the noise of the fountain. He just smiled and said that earlier he had needed to add the flower to Mr. Statue because his "stream" was splattering people sitting nearby! Ok, so I was slightly disturbed that the flower wasn't actually for the sake of modesty, but it was pretty funny. :-)

After dinner we scooted over to the Chocolate Bar. Oh my! Heaven! I had never been there. Believe me I have no idea why my husband kept this sweet Houston spot a secret for so long! We decided to split a piece of some sort of large, decadent, Russian, chocolate, moose cake. It was divine. I also enjoyed a small, decaf, vanilla latte with it, which was scrumptious with the chocolate. We tried to snap some pictures with us and the dessert but we weren't very successful.

This was my poor attempt at a "Belgian dip" (or is it "Belgium dip"?)! See the froth on my nose?

After the Chocolate Bar we went home and...

***WARNING***

The following picture may be offensive to some viewers!

I know. I know! This could be considered husband abuse! That there on Neil's head is a suction cup. It's one of those suction cups that adheres to the surface when you pull the hook downward (don't know if that makes sense). I had just opened a new package and was getting ready to put one in the shower. I just started wondering if you could get one to suction to your forehead. I was unsuccessful in my attempts to place it on my own forehead, so I went into the closet where Neil was and asked him if I could stick it on his head! Being the sweet, wonderful, man that he is he rolled his eyes and said that it better not leave a mark on his forehead, because he didn't want to have to explain that at work! Lo and behold.....it stuck!!! Of course I had to take a picture! We realize that we're completely goofy, but even when life is tough there is laughter in our home! I love you Neil!

FYI The suction cup did leave a mark, but it was gone in a few minutes!

Coming Clean

I'm feeling the need to have a few moments of honesty here. One of the features of a blog is the ability to filter and edit what you want others to know about you. Although this is a public venue, I still choose how much I want to put out there for the "world" to know. During the past two years I have worked overtime editing my life to hide my illness and the struggles that have gone along with it. Well, I'm now discovering that there are some serious ramifications for continuously minimizing things in your life. As my therapist told me, "when you work to minimize something, you are actually maximizing it at the same time". That's right...I said therapist. Two weeks ago I started going to counseling. Neil and I decided that I really needed to seek professional help in my attempt to sort through all of the turmoil my disease has caused in my life during the last two years. Additionally I have also reached a point where I am learning to accept my disease as part of me and I needed guidance on how to go forward. I've noticed over the last couple of months that although I have been feeling better physically, my anxiety level has been rising steadily. In some ways my anxiety has become a handicap, preventing me from living normally. I have huge fears associated with public places, especially new places where I don't know where the bathroom is (that was tough to say). So, as I travel this new road I will work hard to put it down in words here, which is not easy for me. But that's part of the process. I have to learn how to be ok with educating people about my disease and any special needs that I have associated with it. I can no longer minimize it and pretend that it's not a part of me. I can't protect everyone from it, because then I'm essentially attempting to protect people from a fundamental part of me. Everyone needs to feel accepted and loved and in order for me to fully feel that, I need to know that people are knowingly accepting my disease. When I hide the disease I always feel that there is this secret part of me that is not embraced by others (I recognize that by keeping it a secret it doesn't give others a chance to accept that part) and that people would feel differently about me if they really knew me. I'm not entirely sure that makes sense, but I needed to at least attempt to put it down.

Counseling has been an interesting process to begin. I know that I am only at the beginning of a very long road, but I've already learned a couple of valuable things:

1. Counseling is really hard work! In my ignorance I always thought that it was simply sitting and talking to someone. It's not that at all. I have a new found empathy for those going through the counseling process. It is so much more than talking. It's digging, sorting, pressing, thinking, pondering, weighing, shifting, changing... I am exhausted after each session. Physically, mentally, emotionally, exhausted. I have also actually felt nauseous digging up thoughts and fears with my counselor. There's a reason that you have buried a lot of those thoughts and they are not easy to dig up! Hopefully, I will be able to love and relate to people struggling with counseling in a new way after this adventure.

2. This last week I have been faced with the startling reality that I can't successfully navigate through this process without the Lord. Now, for me that's a huge step in the right direction. For the past two years my relationship with the Lord has been severely dry. I have tried time and time again to rekindle the flame that once burned so brightly, but every time I have tried I have found that I have nothing to say. I felt so stripped of things, my health, my job, my purpose, that I didn't know who I was and therefore didn't really know who God was anymore. I knew that it wasn't a question of whether or not I believed in Him. I understood that it was a desert period and that eventually I would have something to say. Well, I finally have something to say. As I work to sort through everything, the question that keeps rising to the surface is "who am I". Not as in, "my name is Courtney and I am 27 years old", but more "who am I in Christ and who was I created to be". Believe me, I thought that I had this sorted out years ago, but apparently shifts in life will continuously cause us to lay before Him and redefine who we are and who He is. I need Him during this difficult time and I know that there is no way that I can figure out who I am apart from Him, because apart from Him I am nothing. Glory!